1. “I’m having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over.” – Jeremy Clarkson
2. “Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the Ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.” – Jeremy Clarkson
3. “Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can’t have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun – except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.” – Jeremy Clarkson
4. “We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.” – Jeremy Clarkson
5. “Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don’t, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.” – Jeremy Clarkson
6. “Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.” – Jeremy Clarkson
7. “This is a hard job. Change gear, change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That’s a lot of effort in a day.” – Jeremy Clarkson
8. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.” – Jeremy Clarkson
9. “Column writing is like gas – it fills the available space.” – Jeremy Clarkson
10. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.” – Jeremy Clarkson
11. “The next day I called my neighbouring farmers to say I was going to have a coronary, and they all had the same piece of advice. I had to accept whatever happens, because that’s farming. They also said I had to be patient, which is not possible. I can’t be patient. It’s not in my DNA. It’s a bit like telling Nicholas Witchell he has to be a Moroccan cage fighter.” – Jeremy Clarkson
12. “The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.” – Jeremy Clarkson
13. “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: ‘Can we borrow yours?’ and he said, ‘Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.’” – Jeremy Clarkson
14. “Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.” – Jeremy Clarkson
15. “There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!” – Jeremy Clarkson
16. “There are many models in the current range, and if you ask a 911 enthusiast to talk you through the subtle differences between each, you can be sure that by the end of the conversation one of you will be dead.” – Jeremy Clarkson
17. “I can’t imagine that I would be terribly happy living in Afghanistan, either, though I dare say there is some satisfaction in going to bed thinking: ‘Well, at least I wasn’t shot today.” – Jeremy Clarkson
18. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.” – Jeremy Clarkson
19. “Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.” – Jeremy Clarkson
20. “I therefore have to use The Force. And weirdly, this doesn’t work very well. I don’t understand why, because on the last census, I put my religion down as Jedi Knight…” – Jeremy Clarkson
21. “Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.” – Jeremy Clarkson
22. “You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It’s pointless.” – Jeremy Clarkson
23. “Make no mistake, Concorde was an extraordinary technological achievement. Almost certainly, one of the greatest.” – Jeremy Clarkson
24. “Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I’m coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.” – Jeremy Clarkson
25. “I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.” – Jeremy Clarkson
26. “The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.” – Jeremy Clarkson
27. “Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.” – Jeremy Clarkson
28. “Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.” – Jeremy Clarkson
29. “I don’t think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I’m not.” – Jeremy Clarkson
30. “Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.” – Jeremy Clarkson
31. “All this health and safety talk is just killing me.” – Jeremy Clarkson
32. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.” – Jeremy Clarkson
33. “Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.” – Jeremy Clarkson
34. “I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.” – Jeremy Clarkson
35. “No, no, no. There’s no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It’s cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.” – Jeremy Clarkson
36. “This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.” – Jeremy Clarkson
37. “When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It’s not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I’ve never changed it. It’s a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.” – Jeremy Clarkson
38. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?” – Jeremy Clarkson
39. “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.” – Jeremy Clarkson
40. “This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.” – Jeremy Clarkson
41. “Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.” – Jeremy Clarkson
42. “reaching for the ‘Yes,” – Jeremy Clarkson
43. “You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.” – Jeremy Clarkson
44. “If you’re thinking of coming to America, this is what it’s like: you’ve got your Comfort Inn, you’ve got your Best Western, and you’ve got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody’s very fat, everybody’s very stupid and everybody’s very rude – it’s not a holiday programme, it’s the truth.” – Jeremy Clarkson
45. “Flirting is the oil that lubricates the engine of ingenuity and wit” – Jeremy Clarkson
46. “I am aware, of course, that many men do hate the sight of their wife and children. Doctors even have a name for these people: ‘anglers’.” – Jeremy Clarkson
47. “If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3).” – Jeremy Clarkson
48. “How hard can it be?” – Jeremy Clarkson
49. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.” – Jeremy Clarkson
50. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.” – Jeremy Clarkson
51. “If we build three million new houses by 2020, where will we grow all the stuff needed to feed the people who live in them?” – Jeremy Clarkson
52. “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!” – Jeremy Clarkson
53. “I’m not only in touch with my feminine side, I’m in touch with my gay side as well.” – Jeremy Clarkson
54. “You’re a car, but most of all, what you are, what you’ve become, is a mate. And that’s what makes a car special. That’s what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it.” – Jeremy Clarkson
55. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.” – Jeremy Clarkson
56. “Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Stig.” – Jeremy Clarkson
57. “Stick to breathing. It’s the only thing you’re any good at.” – Jeremy Clarkson
58. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.” – Jeremy Clarkson
59. “Yes, it’s true, you can only be as happy as your least happy child and they are a constant font of worry and stress.” – Jeremy Clarkson
60. “Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.” – Jeremy Clarkson
61. “I’m not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I’m not physically capable.” – Jeremy Clarkson
62. “If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that’s a cool way to die!” – Jeremy Clarkson
63. “We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras.” – Jeremy Clarkson