1. “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” – Jerry Seinfeld
2. “Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
3. “Life is truly a ride. We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it…. I think that the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair’s messed, you’re out of breath, and you didn’t throw up.” – Jerry Seinfeld
4. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld
5. “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld
6. “What men want is to do whatever the hell stupid thing it is that we’re doing, and if you could please just leave me the hell alone and let me do it, I think we’ll both be a lot happier.” – Jerry Seinfeld
7. “Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.” – Jerry Seinfeld
8. “I love those small airplane bathrooms. It’s like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes right on. It’s a little surprise part every time you go in.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”” – Jerry Seinfeld
10. “I’ve compiled a book from the Internet. It’s a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.” – Jerry Seinfeld
11. “All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it’s like these two guys never met each other in life. This is the male code.” – Jerry Seinfeld
12. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” – Jerry Seinfeld
13. “Can’t you at least die with a little dignity?” – Jerry Seinfeld
14. “Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.” – Jerry Seinfeld
15. “Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.” – Jerry Seinfeld
16. “Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?” – Jerry Seinfeld
17. “To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.” – Jerry Seinfeld
18. “No encounter, mouth open up … that is how the drug businesses see the general public.” – Jerry Seinfeld
19. “Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don’t know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.” – Jerry Seinfeld
20. “The best part of a relationship is when you’re sick. And the best time to be sick is in a relationship.” – Jerry Seinfeld
21. “The best revenge is living well.” – Jerry Seinfeld
22. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” – Jerry Seinfeld
23. “The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.” – Jerry Seinfeld
24. “People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: “Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?”” – Jerry Seinfeld
25. “You know how your charger for your phone? It’s like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind” – Jerry Seinfeld
26. “I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!” – Jerry Seinfeld
27. “What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.” – Jerry Seinfeld
28. “A chef who doesn’t wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It’s a cry for help.” – Jerry Seinfeld
29. “All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.” – Jerry Seinfeld
30. “Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.” – Jerry Seinfeld
31. “You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m onto something.” – Jerry Seinfeld
32. “Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.” – Jerry Seinfeld
33. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld
34. “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” – Jerry Seinfeld
35. “I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.” – Jerry Seinfeld
36. “And I’ll tell ya, I’m really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It’s wonderful! Plus, I love saying ‘my wife.’ Once I started saying it, I couldn’t stop – ‘my wife’ this, ‘my wife’ that…it’s an amazing way to begin a sentence.” – Jerry Seinfeld
37. “I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.” – Jerry Seinfeld
38. “I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings” – Jerry Seinfeld
39. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.” – Jerry Seinfeld
40. “If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.” – Jerry Seinfeld
41. “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.” – Jerry Seinfeld
42. “The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.” – Jerry Seinfeld
43. “I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.” – Jerry Seinfeld
44. “Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can’t create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.” – Jerry Seinfeld
45. “When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.” – Jerry Seinfeld
46. “The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.” – Jerry Seinfeld
47. “People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.” – Jerry Seinfeld
48. “What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean, if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?” – Jerry Seinfeld
49. “For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.” – Jerry Seinfeld
50. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld
51. “It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.” – Jerry Seinfeld
52. “The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.” – Jerry Seinfeld
53. “If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire.” – Jerry Seinfeld
54. “I love advertising because I love lying.” – Jerry Seinfeld
55. “Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?” – Jerry Seinfeld
56. “All life is about the company you keep. All enjoyment is about the company you keep. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal. – Chris Rock” – Jerry Seinfeld
57. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
58. “I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.” I could easily survive on that.” – Jerry Seinfeld
59. “I can’t eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.” – Jerry Seinfeld
60. “I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!” – Jerry Seinfeld
61. “There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.” – Jerry Seinfeld
62. “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” – Jerry Seinfeld
63. “I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
64. “Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going “Quit it.”” – Jerry Seinfeld
65. “I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.” – Jerry Seinfeld
66. “I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.” – Jerry Seinfeld
67. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
68. “The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.” – Jerry Seinfeld
69. “You see, that’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld
70. “If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.” – Jerry Seinfeld
71. “If you’re a surfer, you just want to surf. You don’t know if anyone’s going to see you, and you don’t really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.” – Jerry Seinfeld
72. “The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.” – Jerry Seinfeld
73. “You can be passionate about anything.” – Jerry Seinfeld
74. “And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you ARE superman.” – Jerry Seinfeld
75. “You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.” – Jerry Seinfeld
76. “Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.” – Jerry Seinfeld
77. “If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.” – Jerry Seinfeld
78. “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.” – Jerry Seinfeld
79. “Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.” – Jerry Seinfeld
80. “Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it. ” – Jerry Seinfeld
81. “I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.” – Jerry Seinfeld
82. “I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I’m crass, but not that crass.” – Jerry Seinfeld
83. “If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.” – Jerry Seinfeld
84. “If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” – Jerry Seinfeld
85. “People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.” – Jerry Seinfeld
86. “Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.” – Jerry Seinfeld
87. “Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a void with great speed” – Jerry Seinfeld
88. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
89. “I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?” – Jerry Seinfeld
90. “Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I’m ready to handle whatever I have to handle.” – Jerry Seinfeld
91. “There’s nothing more fun than entertaining kids.” – Jerry Seinfeld
92. “Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.” – Jerry Seinfeld
93. “Economy is essential to all good art.” – Jerry Seinfeld
94. “Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.” – Jerry Seinfeld
95. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
96. “My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what’s surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don’t know how she learned this.” – Jerry Seinfeld
97. “I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.” – Jerry Seinfeld
98. “When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
99. “You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day” – Jerry Seinfeld
100. “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’” – Jerry Seinfeld
101. “Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.” – Jerry Seinfeld
102. “The real motivation of being a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh.” – Jerry Seinfeld
103. “People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.” – Jerry Seinfeld
104. “All magic is ‘Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.’” – Jerry Seinfeld
105. “Pay attention; don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.” – Jerry Seinfeld
106. “Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?” – Jerry Seinfeld
107. “Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” – Jerry Seinfeld
108. “Men want to make women happy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
109. “Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.” – Jerry Seinfeld
110. “I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings.” – Jerry Seinfeld
111. “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?” – Jerry Seinfeld
112. “You make money during the day. You collect it at night. During the day is where the money is made.” – Jerry Seinfeld
113. “That’s the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.” – Jerry Seinfeld
114. “The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you win the gold – you feel good, you win the bronze – you think, ‘Well at least I got something’. But when you win silver, it’s like, ‘Congratulations, you ‘almost’ won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You’re the number one ‘loser.’ No one lost ahead of you.” – Jerry Seinfeld
115. “I’m old, I’m rich and I’m tired.” – Jerry Seinfeld
116. “The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.” – Jerry Seinfeld
117. “There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.” – Jerry Seinfeld
118. “I believe we’re all secretly happy we can’t figure our relationships out. It keeps our minds working.” – Jerry Seinfeld
119. “The funniest part of that joke is, ‘say what you will about Hitler.” – Jerry Seinfeld
120. “Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.” – Jerry Seinfeld
121. “Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?” – Jerry Seinfeld
122. “You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.” – Jerry Seinfeld
123. “A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.” – Jerry Seinfeld
124. “I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.” – Jerry Seinfeld
125. “Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.” – Jerry Seinfeld
126. “There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.” – Jerry Seinfeld
127. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld