1. “If he had a mind, there was something on it.” – P. G. Wodehouse
2. “Well, you know, there are limits to the sacred claims of friendship.” – P. G. Wodehouse
3. “A man who has spent most of his adult life trying out a series of patent medicines is always an optimist.” – P. G. Wodehouse
4. “I believe there are two ways of writing novels. One is mine, making a sort of musical comedy without music and ignoring real life altogether; the other is going right deep down into life and not caring a damn.” – P. G. Wodehouse
5. “His spirit was willing, but his will was not spirited.” – P. G. Wodehouse
6. “He was as completely happy as only a fluffy-minded old man with excellent health and a large income can be.” – P. G. Wodehouse
7. “You can’t fling the hands up in a passionate gesture when you are driving a car at fifty miles an hour. Otherwise, I should have done so.” – P. G. Wodehouse
8. “Woman is the unfathomable, incalculable mystery, the problem that we men can never hope to solve.” – P. G. Wodehouse
9. “She looked away. Her attitude seemed to suggest that she had finished with him, and would be obliged if somebody would come and sweep him up.” – P. G. Wodehouse
10. “I can’t stand Paris. I hate the place. Full of people talking French.” – P. G. Wodehouse
11. “Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black moustache.” – P. G. Wodehouse
12. “It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer, when you can hear a snail clear its throat a mile away.” – P. G. Wodehouse
13. “So always look for the silver lining And try to find the sunny side of life.” – P. G. Wodehouse
14. “It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn’t.” – P. G. Wodehouse
15. “She looked like something that might have occured to Ibsen in one of his less frivolous moments.” – P. G. Wodehouse
16. “I always advise people never to give advice.” – P. G. Wodehouse
17. “Another of these strong silent men. The world is full of us.” – P. G. Wodehouse
18. “Warm-hearted! I should think he has to wear asbestos vests!” – P. G. Wodehouse
19. “You’re one of those guys who can make a party just by leaving it. It’s a great gift.” – P. G. Wodehouse
20. “Hell, it is well known, has no fury like a woman who wants her tea and can’t get it.” – P. G. Wodehouse
21. “It’s curious how, when you’re in love, you yearn to go about doing acts of kindness to everybody.” – P. G. Wodehouse
22. “The real objection to the great majority of cats is their insufferable air of superiority.” – P. G. Wodehouse
23. “There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.” – P. G. Wodehouse
24. “I’m a quiet, peaceful sort of bloke who has lived all his life in London, and I can’t stand the pace these swift sportsmen from the rural districts set. What I mean to say is, I’m all for rational enjoyment and so forth, but I think a chappie makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled eggs at the electric fan.” – P. G. Wodehouse
25. “As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.” – P. G. Wodehouse
26. “Trouble, after all, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.” – P. G. Wodehouse
27. “I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.” – P. G. Wodehouse
28. “I always strive, when I can, to spread sweetness and light. There have been several complaints about it.” – P. G. Wodehouse
29. “That is life. Just one long succession of misunderstandings and rash acts and what not. Absolutely.” – P. G. Wodehouse
30. “Work, the hobby of the philosopher and the poor man’s friend.” – P. G. Wodehouse
31. “Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.” – P. G. Wodehouse
32. “Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.” – P. G. Wodehouse
33. “One of the drawbacks to life is that it contains moments when one is compelled to tell the truth,” – P. G. Wodehouse
34. “To find a man’s true character, play golf with him. ” – P. G. Wodehouse
35. “The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.” – P. G. Wodehouse
36. “She gave the impression of smiling with difficulty, possibly for fear of getting wrinkles.” – P. G. Wodehouse
37. “There was a sound in the background like a distant sheep coughing gently on a mountainside. Jeeves sailing into action.” – P. G. Wodehouse
38. “If men’s minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.” – P. G. Wodehouse
39. “There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.” – P. G. Wodehouse
40. “What magic there is in a girl’s smile! It is the raisin which, dropped in the yeast of male complacency, induces fermentation.” – P. G. Wodehouse
41. “Change of scene is the thing. I head of a man. Girl refused him. Man went abroad. Two months later girl wired him “Come back, Muriel.” Man started to write out a reply; suddenly found that he couldn’t remember girl’s surname; so never answered at all, and lived happily ever after.” – P. G. Wodehouse
42. “No fair-minded girl objects to a certain tinge of jealousy. Kept within proper bounds, it is a compliment; it makes for piquancy; it is the gin in the ginger-beer of devotion. But it should be a condiment, not a fluid.” – P. G. Wodehouse
43. “You can’t be a successful Dictator and design women’s underclothing.” – P. G. Wodehouse
44. “I was in that painful condition which occurs when one has lost one’s first wind and has not yet got one’s second.” – P. G. Wodehouse
45. “I expect I shall feel better after tea.” – P. G. Wodehouse
46. “Many a man may look respectable, and yet be able to hide at will behind a spiral staircase.” – P. G. Wodehouse
47. “If she ever turned into a werewolf, it would be one of those jolly breezy werewolves whom it is a pleasure to know.” – P. G. Wodehouse
48. “Success comes to a writer as a rule, so gradually that it is always something of a shock to him to look back and realize the heights to which he has climbed.” – P. G. Wodehouse
49. “Years before, when a boy, and romantic as most boys are, his lordship had sometimes regretted that the Emsworths, though an ancient clan, did not possess a Family Curse. How little he had suspected that he was shortly to become the father of it.” – P. G. Wodehouse
50. “It is true of course, that I have a will of iron, but it can be switched off if the circumstances seem to demand it.” – P. G. Wodehouse
51. “Just another proof, of course, of what I often say – it takes all sorts to make a world.” – P. G. Wodehouse
52. “You can’t go by what a girl says, when she’s giving you the devil for making a chump of yourself. It’s like Shakespeare. Sounds well, but doesn’t mean anything.” – P. G. Wodehouse
53. “The only way of really finding out a man’s true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself.” – P. G. Wodehouse
54. “A man’s subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.” – P. G. Wodehouse
55. “The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you’re someone. You hear them shouting “Heil, Spode!” and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: “Look at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?” – P. G. Wodehouse
56. “Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – P. G. Wodehouse
57. “Cheer up, Crips, and keep smiling. That’s the thing to do. If you go through life with a smile on your face, you’ll be amazed how many people will come up to you and say ‘What the hell are you grinning about? What’s so funny?’ Make you a lot of new friends.” – P. G. Wodehouse
58. “No one so dislikes being punished unjustly as the person who might have been punished justly on scores of previous occasions, if he had only been found out.” – P. G. Wodehouse
59. “There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottle going about in sea boots.” – P. G. Wodehouse
60. “Flowers are happy things.” – P. G. Wodehouse
61. “I don’t mind people talking rot in my presence, but it must not be utter rot.” – P. G. Wodehouse
62. “He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.” – P. G. Wodehouse
63. “For the last day or so there had been a certain amount of coolness in the home over a pair of jazz spats which I had dug up while exploring in the Burlington Arcade.” – P. G. Wodehouse
64. “Routine is the death to heroism.” – P. G. Wodehouse
65. “As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.” – P. G. Wodehouse
66. “Do men who have got all their marbles go swimming in lakes with their clothes on?” – P. G. Wodehouse
67. “If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.” – P. G. Wodehouse
68. “Half a league Half a league Half a league onward With a hey-nonny-nonny And a hot cha-cha.” – P. G. Wodehouse
69. “Work, the what’s-its-name of the thingummy and the thing-um-a-bob of the what d’you-call-it.” – P. G. Wodehouse
70. “In a series of events, all of which had been a bit thick, this, in his opinion, achieved the maximum of thickness.” – P. G. Wodehouse
71. “An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.” – P. G. Wodehouse
72. “She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when.’” – P. G. Wodehouse
73. “Confidence, of course is an admirable asset to a golfer, but it should be an unspoken confidence. It is perilous to put it into speech. The gods of golf lie in wait to chasten the presumptious.” – P. G. Wodehouse
74. “Like one kissed by a goddess in a dream, he walked on air; and, while one is walking on air, it is easy to overlook the boulders in the path.” – P. G. Wodehouse
75. “I was back at the flat so quick that I nearly met myself coming out.” – P. G. Wodehouse
76. “It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.” – P. G. Wodehouse
77. “It was one of those parties where you cough twice before you speak and then decide not to say it after all.” – P. G. Wodehouse
78. “Sudden success in golf is like the sudden acquisition of wealth. It is apt to unsettle and deteriorate the character.” – P. G. Wodehouse
79. “You are falling into your old error, Jeeves, of thinking that Gussie is a parrot. Fight against this. I shall add the oz.” – P. G. Wodehouse
80. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Dunstable, it’s simply that I don’t trust you.” – P. G. Wodehouse
81. “He had the look of a frustrated tiger whose personal physician had recommended a strict vegetarian diet.” – P. G. Wodehouse
82. “The storm is over, there is sunlight in my heart. I have a glass of wine and sit thinking of what has passed.” – P. G. Wodehouse
83. “I attribute my whole success in life to a rigid observance of the fundamental rule – Never have yourself tattooed with any woman’s name, not even her initials.” – P. G. Wodehouse
84. “What you want, my lad, and what you’re going to get are two very different things.” – P. G. Wodehouse
85. “No love could stand up against the sight of me in a sailor suit at the age of ten. I.” – P. G. Wodehouse
86. “When you’re alone you don’t do much laughing.” – P. G. Wodehouse
87. “Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else’s cash.” – P. G. Wodehouse
88. “Some minds are like soup in a poor restaurant – better left unstirred.” – P. G. Wodehouse
89. “It is not the being paid money in advance that jars the sensitive artist: it is the having to work.” – P. G. Wodehouse