Deciding to go to therapy as a couple takes something. Not because anything has to be broken to go, but because sitting down with someone and actually talking honestly about your relationship feels bigger than most people expect. There’s a part of you that worries about what you might find out, what your partner might say out loud, what a stranger might see in the two of you that you’d rather not look at directly.
But most couples who finally go say the same thing afterward: they wish they’d gone sooner. Not because it fixes everything, but because having a proper space to say the real things changes what’s possible between two people.
These 105 questions are for before you go. For figuring out where you each actually are, what you’re hoping for, what you’re afraid of, and whether you’re walking in there as a team or as two people with different ideas of what this is supposed to be.
Worth Reading Before You Dive In
Some of these questions will feel easy. Others might land somewhere tender. Try to go through them without defensiveness. The goal isn’t to agree on everything. It’s to actually know where you each stand before you sit down in front of someone else.
Questions About Why You’re Considering It
Two people can both want therapy for entirely different reasons without realizing it. These questions get those reasons on the table early, so you’re going in for the same thing.
1. What made you start thinking about therapy for us?
2. Is there a specific moment or conversation that brought you here?
3. How long have you been thinking about this?
4. What do you hope therapy actually does for us?
5. Is this about fixing something specific or just getting better at us?
6. Do you think something is wrong or do you just want to be better?
7. Was there a moment where you thought, we need help with this?
8. Have you been hoping I’d bring this up or were you about to?
9. What would have to happen for you to feel like therapy was worth it?
10. Is there something you’ve wanted to say that therapy might help with?
Questions About What Each of You Wants From It
If you go in with different expectations, you’re likely to get different things out of it. These questions make sure you’re aligned on what you’re actually walking in there for.
11. What does a successful course of therapy look like to you?
12. Do you want to be challenged or mainly just heard?
13. Are you looking for tools and strategies or more for understanding?
14. How long do you imagine doing this?
15. Do you want the therapist to guide sessions or mostly just hold space?
16. Are you hoping therapy changes specific behaviors or something deeper?
17. What would you want to walk away from it with?
18. Is there a version of us on the other side of this you’re picturing?
19. Do you think we can handle what might come up in there?
20. What would feel like real progress to you after a few sessions?
Questions About the Relationship Right Now
Before going somewhere to talk about the relationship, it helps to say out loud what the relationship actually feels like right now. These questions do that.
21. How would you describe where we are right now?
22. Is there something between us that feels stuck?
23. Do you feel like we’ve been talking enough or just around things?
24. What’s the hardest part of where we are right now?
25. Is there something you feel we keep coming back to without resolving?
26. Do you feel seen by me right now?
27. What’s working between us that you don’t want to lose?
28. Has anything felt off for a while that you haven’t fully named?
29. Do we handle conflict well or is that part of why we want to go?
30. Is there something you’ve been waiting for me to bring up?
31. What would have to change for things to feel noticeably better?
32. Do you feel like I understand what you’re going through right now?
Questions About What You’re Each Afraid Of
Therapy surfaces things. That’s the point. But it’s also what makes some people hesitant to go. These questions are for being honest about the fear before you walk in the door.
33. What are you most afraid will come up in therapy?
34. Is there something you’re worried I’ll say in there?
35. Do you fear the therapist will take sides?
36. Are you afraid of what you might find out about yourself?
37. Is there something you’re nervous to say in front of someone else?
38. Do you worry therapy will make things worse before it gets better?
39. Are you afraid of what it says about us that we’re going?
40. Is there something you’re not sure you’re ready to talk about?
41. Do you worry that I’ll use what you say in therapy against you later?
42. Is there a topic you’d want to avoid or at least approach carefully?
43. What would make you feel safest going into this?
Questions About What You’ve Already Tried
Most couples don’t arrive at therapy without having tried something first. These questions look at what’s already happened and what it taught you.
44. Have we actually tried to work through this on our own?
45. Did any of our conversations actually help or did most go sideways?
46. Is there something we handled well that gives you hope?
47. Have you read or heard anything that shifted how you think about us?
48. Did you ever suggest or think about therapy before and pull back?
49. What’s stopped us from getting here sooner?
50. Is there a conversation we’ve had that felt a bit like therapy?
51. Have either of us been to individual therapy and what was that like?
52. What have we learned about ourselves through the hard times we’ve had?
53. Is there something we’ve gotten better at that we should acknowledge?
Questions for Finding the Right Therapist
Not every therapist is the right fit for every couple. These questions help you figure out what you’re looking for before you start the search.
54. Do you have any preferences about the kind of therapist we see?
55. Does gender matter to you when it comes to who we work with?
56. Do you want someone who gives direct advice or someone more hands-off?
57. Are there any approaches or styles you’ve heard of that appeal to you?
58. How do you want to handle it if we try someone and it isn’t working?
59. Is online or in-person important to you?
60. Do you want to go together first or should one of us go alone first?
61. How often do you think we’d want to go?
62. Is there anything about your background the therapist should know?
63. What makes you trust a therapist and what would make you hesitate?
Questions About Practical Concerns
Sometimes it’s the logistics that stop people. These questions get the practical stuff out in the open.
64. Have you thought about the cost and how we’d handle that?
65. Do you have concerns about time and scheduling?
66. Is there anything about confidentiality or records that concerns you?
67. Would you be comfortable if someone we knew found out we were going?
68. Is there anyone in our lives you’d want to tell or not tell?
69. Do you have any concerns about what’s covered or not covered?
70. How would you want to handle notes or takeaways from sessions?
71. Are there logistics you’d need sorted before you felt ready to go?
Questions About What Therapy Might Bring Up
Good therapy often surfaces things that weren’t on the agenda. These questions help you prepare for that.
72. Is there something about your past that might come up in there?
73. Are there patterns in your family that might become relevant?
74. Is your mental health something that might come up in our sessions?
75. Do you think anything about me would surprise a therapist?
76. Are there parts of your history that I still don’t fully understand?
77. Did how you were raised shape how you show up in this relationship?
78. Have you had a breakthrough about yourself you haven’t shared yet?
79. Is there anything you’ve worked on privately that’s relevant to us?
80. Do you think our families shaped us in ways we haven’t talked about?
Questions About Doing the Work Together
Therapy works best when both people are genuinely engaged. These questions check in on that commitment.
81. Are you ready for this for real or does part of you hope it resolves?
82. Do you think we’re both equally committed to this right now?
83. Would you be willing to be challenged if the therapist pushed back?
84. Between sessions, do you want to talk about it or give it space?
85. Is there anything you’d want us to agree on before we go in?
86. What do you need from me to feel like we’re in this together?
87. Are you willing to go even if it gets uncomfortable?
88. What would it mean to you if I showed up fully for this?
89. Is there anything you’d want me to do differently after a session?
90. Do you think you can be honest in there even when it’s hard?
Questions About What Happens If It’s Hard
Good therapy often surfaces things that weren’t on the agenda at all. These questions prepare for that.
91. What do we do if a session brings up something hard to come home with?
92. How do we handle it if I say something in therapy that hurts you?
93. What if the therapist raises something neither of us was expecting?
94. Do you have concerns about how we’ll be between sessions?
95. What do we do if we disagree on what the therapist said or meant?
96. Is there a limit to what you’re willing to work on or is it all open?
97. How would you want to take care of each other after a hard session?
98. What do we do if one of us wants to stop and the other doesn’t?
Questions That Are Worth Asking Regardless
These are the questions that don’t belong to one section but deserve to be asked before you walk in the door.
99. Do you actually want to do this or are you going for me?
100. Is there something you’re hoping therapy gives me or changes in me?
101. What would it mean to you if therapy helped us?
102. Do you believe we can actually get better at this?
103. Is there something I should know before we go that hasn’t been said?
104. What would feel like us choosing each other by going to do this?
105. After everything, what do you most want from us?
Final Thoughts
Thinking about therapy doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble. It means you care enough about it to stop handling it alone. Two people deciding to get help with the most important relationship in their lives isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s probably the most honest thing they’ve done in a while.
Go in knowing where you each stand. The therapist will handle the rest.