1. “I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.” – Anthony Jeselnik
2. “God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.” – Anthony Jeselnik
3. “I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.” – Anthony Jeselnik
4. “When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I’m happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.” – Anthony Jeselnik
5. “When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.” – Anthony Jeselnik
6. “You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.” – Anthony Jeselnik
7. “I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny.” – Anthony Jeselnik
8. “It’s always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it’s really tough when they’re on top of you.” – Anthony Jeselnik
9. “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.” – Anthony Jeselnik
10. “My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed – if she’s ever going to be good at golf.” – Anthony Jeselnik
11. “I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.” – Anthony Jeselnik
12. “I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.” – Anthony Jeselnik
13. “Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.” – Anthony Jeselnik
14. “I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.” – Anthony Jeselnik
15. “I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
16. “That’s the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person’s blog story that they wrote when they were upset.” – Anthony Jeselnik
17. “Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.” – Anthony Jeselnik
18. “I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.” – Anthony Jeselnik
19. “Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase – the glasses, the hair in the face – and you knew immediately when they were doing it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
20. “I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.” – Anthony Jeselnik
21. “I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.” – Anthony Jeselnik
22. “I don’t have a type, really. But I’ve always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.” – Anthony Jeselnik
23. “The one thing I’ve found you really can’t joke about – and people think it’s death or something – is money. No one thinks it’s funny, whether you have it or you don’t. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.” – Anthony Jeselnik
24. “I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.” – Anthony Jeselnik
25. “One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy – I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it’s so different.” – Anthony Jeselnik
26. “Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me.” – Anthony Jeselnik
27. “The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.” – Anthony Jeselnik
28. “A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’” – Anthony Jeselnik
29. “Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.” – Anthony Jeselnik
30. “I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn’t publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn’t about to tell the people who work for me that they didn’t have jobs anymore because I wasn’t going to delete a stupid tweet.” – Anthony Jeselnik
31. “Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.” – Anthony Jeselnik
32. “I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You’d just be ripping them off.” – Anthony Jeselnik
33. “I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.” – Anthony Jeselnik
34. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere “hah.”” – Anthony Jeselnik
35. “Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?” – Anthony Jeselnik
36. “Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.” – Anthony Jeselnik
37. “I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.” – Anthony Jeselnik
38. “It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.” – Anthony Jeselnik
39. “I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.” – Anthony Jeselnik
40. “We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting – they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.” – Anthony Jeselnik
41. “I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn’t do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.” – Anthony Jeselnik
42. “Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.” – Anthony Jeselnik
43. “I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.” – Anthony Jeselnik
44. “I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.” – Anthony Jeselnik
45. “When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I’m older, I’m more of a cat guy.” – Anthony Jeselnik
46. “The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.” – Anthony Jeselnik
47. “I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.” – Anthony Jeselnik
48. “What do I care if someone doesn’t like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.” – Anthony Jeselnik
49. “I’m fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I’ve ever had growing up could attest.” – Anthony Jeselnik
50. “I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself.” – Anthony Jeselnik
51. “I’m trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don’t know how to surf.” – Anthony Jeselnik
52. “My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby.” – Anthony Jeselnik
53. “In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, “Just kidding.” I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.” – Anthony Jeselnik
54. “My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.” – Anthony Jeselnik
55. “My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn’t want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else’s.” – Anthony Jeselnik
56. “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
57. “Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn’t happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.” – Anthony Jeselnik
58. “I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, “Here’s what I would say. Here’s what I would do if I got up there.” It drives me crazy.” – Anthony Jeselnik
59. “Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
60. “People are surprised that I’m nice and it helps me out a little bit; it’s easy to be nice when everyone thinks you’re going to be a jerk but if people think you’re a nice guy then it’s tough because it’s what they expect.” – Anthony Jeselnik
61. “My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
62. “I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.” – Anthony Jeselnik
63. “Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.” – Anthony Jeselnik
64. “I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.” – Anthony Jeselnik
65. “I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.” – Anthony Jeselnik
66. “I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can’t think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.” – Anthony Jeselnik
67. “On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.” – Anthony Jeselnik
68. “Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.” – Anthony Jeselnik
69. “I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.” – Anthony Jeselnik
70. “I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they’ll never meet their grandmother.” – Anthony Jeselnik
71. “On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.” – Anthony Jeselnik
72. “My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.” – Anthony Jeselnik
73. “With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.” – Anthony Jeselnik
74. “Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they’re looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.” – Anthony Jeselnik
75. “My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.” – Anthony Jeselnik
76. “There is nothing that’s off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job.” – Anthony Jeselnik
77. “The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’” – Anthony Jeselnik
78. “I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.” – Anthony Jeselnik
79. “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person… so I can get a better girlfriend.” – Anthony Jeselnik
80. “I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.” – Anthony Jeselnik
81. “I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.” – Anthony Jeselnik
82. “Doctor just told me I can’t have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one’s gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.” – Anthony Jeselnik
83. “Hitler really wasn’t so bad. In the black way.” – Anthony Jeselnik
84. “I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.” – Anthony Jeselnik
85. “I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.” – Anthony Jeselnik
86. “It’s impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.” – Anthony Jeselnik
87. “It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn’t want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, “I need you guys.” I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn’t want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.” – Anthony Jeselnik