1. “Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.”
2. “If you can find humour in anything, you can survive it.”
3. “gray hair is gods graffiti”
4. “The Internet is like Hitler they think they are getting rid of the problem but they’re not”
5. “My father walked to school 4 o’clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.”
6. “I have to follow my thoughts and mine for the gold. I have to dig it out.”
7. “Old is always fifteen years from now.”
8. “The weatherman is always right. It’s just his timing that’s off.”
9. “Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.”
10. “A child who is disciplined will be more obedient and also more organized as a student.”
11. “Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.”
12. “Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.”
13. “Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.”
14. “Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.”
15. “And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl…there’s a little voice that say, ‘I wonder where he would go…’…if it hadn’t been for his head…”
16. “It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful. ”
17. “And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.”
18. “No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
19. “A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”
20. “You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it’s sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!”
21. “A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.”
22. “Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.”
23. “Betrayal, abandonment, deceit and manipulation.”
24. “That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.”
25. “The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.”
26. “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
27. “Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.”
28. “The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.”
29. “It’s painful, but we can’t heal ourselves unless we cleanse the wounds.”
30. “In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. ”
31. “You can not make everybody happy…”
32. “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”
33. “Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.”
34. “Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.”
35. “There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.”
36. “If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.”
37. “People say “God will find a way.” God can’t find a way if you’re in the way.”
38. “When you become senile, you won’t know it.”
39. “Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.”
40. “Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.”
41. “A grandchild is God’s reward for raising a child.”
42. “There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.”
43. “You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”
44. “Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.”
45. “You can’t be everything to everyone.”
46. “The three ingredients of a successful union between two … humor, commitment & undying love.”
47. “My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.”
48. “Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.”
49. “The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.”
50. “The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.”
51. “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.”
52. “How long can you tread water?”
53. “I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
54. “Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.”
55. “Did you ever see the customers in health – food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half – dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.”
56. “I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!”
57. “Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.”
58. “The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.”
59. “People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on.”
60. “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
61. “You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don’t want to see the dog doing them.”
62. “i was’nt always black. there was this freckel that just grew and grew…”
63. “The serve was invented so that the net could play.”
64. “The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.”
65. “I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.”
66. “Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.”
67. “Nobody ever says, “Can I have your beets?”
68. “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
69. “When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?”
70. “Every success story has a parent who says, ‘over my dead body.’ Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you’re acting the fool, ‘you know I worry about you sometimes.’”
71. “Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.”
72. “In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to disciplne a child is still a mystery to most fathers and…mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.”
73. “YOU are a genius!… and I am a genius because I married you.”
74. “Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.”
75. “The secret of success is to be like a duck, Smooth and unruffled on top, But paddling furiously underneath.”