1. “People think if you have money, it’ll fix the problems, but it creates different ones.” – Gabriel Iglesias
2. “I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, ‘Oh, it’s fake.’ But it’s not about whether the guy wins or loses, it’s about how he entertains you the whole time you’re watching.” – Gabriel Iglesias
3. “I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just – I crave it.” – Gabriel Iglesias
4. “I want to get so famous that I don’t have to wake up in the morning. It’ll probably never happen.” – Gabriel Iglesias
5. “I don’t have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I’m alive and I’m living and I’m experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.” – Gabriel Iglesias
6. “I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I’ll bring those old ones back because the fans love them.” – Gabriel Iglesias
7. “The first time I got on stage I was 10 years old and I did impressions. I did cartoon characters and I really got the bug for this life when I saw that people were laughing and saw the attention I was getting.” – Gabriel Iglesias
8. “You live by the cake, you die by the cake.” – Gabriel Iglesias
9. “People can relate to someone who isn’t perfect.” – Gabriel Iglesias
10. “I’m a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.” – Gabriel Iglesias
11. “Social media has definitely changed the game for me. I am able to connect to my fans on twitter and interact with them, daily. YouTube has been a game changer as well – people around the world have been exposed to my comedy through my YouTube channel.” – Gabriel Iglesias
12. “I’m not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.” – Gabriel Iglesias
13. “I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I’m doing. If I can keep this going, I’m happy.” – Gabriel Iglesias
14. “Make sure you’re doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated.” – Gabriel Iglesias
15. “People understand when I talk about my son not listening, or issues at home or his real dad coming back into the picture, or even stories about family members not seeing eye to eye with what you’re doing.” – Gabriel Iglesias
16. “You know, a lot of people think that just ’cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you’ll live a long live, maybe you will. But, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.” – Gabriel Iglesias
17. “Understand that you don’t know it all. You don’t know anything yet. What you’ve been taught is great, but always go with common sense. And don’t marry your first love.” – Gabriel Iglesias
18. “Home in bed listening to the rain getting ready to order a pizza. Sounds like a song til the last part.” – Gabriel Iglesias
19. “That’s one thing about my shows. I tell people, I’m not a comedian, I’m just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don’t snap and so I don’t go off the handle when I get home.” – Gabriel Iglesias
20. “I just know you can not be on top forever. There’s always going to be the next guy, and if I’m going to go down, I’d like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can’t prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.” – Gabriel Iglesias
21. “Be personal, and original. Try to work clean. Stay away from topical material, as it does not allow you to craft it to make it better for later. And always remember that it is the fans who will make you or break you.” – Gabriel Iglesias
22. “If you Google the word “fluffy,” I’m the first thing that pops up. It’s me, dogs and rabbits.” – Gabriel Iglesias
23. “Sometimes [high school speech team] was funny, other times it was just talking, but it gave me the confidence to speak in front of people after doing that for a whole year.” – Gabriel Iglesias
24. “Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!” – Gabriel Iglesias
25. “Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That’s the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.” – Gabriel Iglesias
26. “I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.” – Gabriel Iglesias
27. “I never go perform somewhere alone. I’ve done that since day one. I’ve always taken other comics with me.” – Gabriel Iglesias
28. “The best advice bro: is think big, as big as you can possibly think, and shoot for that. The bigger you aim for, the bigger you’re going to be. Set the standards for yourself as high as you possibly can and also surround yourself with people who have the same visions you have.” – Gabriel Iglesias
29. “I eat a lot of junk food, because that’s what’s usually available at 1:00am when I’m all done working.” – Gabriel Iglesias
30. “You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They’re just blown up Mexicans!” – Gabriel Iglesias
31. “Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?” – Gabriel Iglesias
32. “I don’t wanna just be remembered for the funniest guy in my neighborhood.” – Gabriel Iglesias
33. “I don’t want to die tomorrow knowing I could’ve had a piece of cake tonight.” – Gabriel Iglesias
34. “When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments – except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I’ll let you know right now, there’s only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster – whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.” – Gabriel Iglesias
35. “You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don’t work out in life, they work out on stage.” – Gabriel Iglesias
36. “I love Australia. First of all, everyone is so nice. The people are down to Earth, and they like having fun with you.” – Gabriel Iglesias
37. “My favorite people to have fun with are police officers ’cause they’re so serious, you know.” – Gabriel Iglesias
38. “I was not the popular kid in school.” – Gabriel Iglesias
39. “I bought a Hummer before I bought a house, and then I bought a house. Every year, everything doubled. The work was doubling. The money was doubling. The popularity was doubling.” – Gabriel Iglesias
40. “Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can’t handle alcohol. The police know who you are.” – Gabriel Iglesias
41. “I’m a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.” – Gabriel Iglesias
42. “I see a lot of nice hotels, but I never really get to enjoy the cities, because I have to be on a plane the next day.” – Gabriel Iglesias
43. “Surround yourself with supportive people. All the negative people, man you have to push them aside.” – Gabriel Iglesias
44. “It’s because you alienate half the room talking about sports. Half the crowd will be against you no matter what you say.” – Gabriel Iglesias
45. “If I’m drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I’m the guy you should leave alone.” – Gabriel Iglesias
46. “When you go to Hawaii, it’s all about “Aloha.” It means hello, goodbye and I love you.” – Gabriel Iglesias
47. “I’m never home. I miss birthdays. I miss holidays. I miss anniversaries. I miss special moments. I’m not always there for important times, because I’m out on the road trying to make people laugh. I give up my privacy. I give up the ability to walk somewhere and relax.” – Gabriel Iglesias
48. “Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.” – Gabriel Iglesias
49. “There’s 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.” – Gabriel Iglesias
50. “I have always been told that I was a funny, entertaining person and have always been told to give comedy a try.” – Gabriel Iglesias
51. “The Ford Flex is a really, really cool car. You get inside and you have so much headroom and it’s really comfortable to drive and it’s real techy inside. You look at the screen and it’s blue and you’ve got all kinds of controls. Everything is digital.” – Gabriel Iglesias
52. “People see a big dude and they hear that high pitched voice or “Eglasias with an ‘I'” and love it because they can relate and go “I know that person!”.” – Gabriel Iglesias
53. “We can choose our family. We can’t choose our relatives.” – Gabriel Iglesias
54. “Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don’t ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like ‘this guy is ready to party.’” – Gabriel Iglesias
55. “Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.” – Gabriel Iglesias
56. “Finding places to perform was definitely the biggest challenge. Trying to find my voice over the years was a big thing because when I started I was just doing characters and impressions and that was it.” – Gabriel Iglesias
57. “Drama is not my passion. If I do it, it’s for a check. It’s not what I want to do. Comedy’s my thing. Stand up’s my thing. Everything that comes from that is frosting on the cake.” – Gabriel Iglesias
58. “TV show’s really quick. You’re in, you’re out. A film usually takes a lot longer. However, a voiceover is very much like TV in the sense that it’s really quick. For example, I did the movie Planes in one day.” – Gabriel Iglesias
59. “I have no talent when it comes to pianos or guitars or any of that, even karaoke. For karaoke, I have to be wasted to get up there and sing.” – Gabriel Iglesias
60. “I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don’t talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.” – Gabriel Iglesias
61. “I want to be known as a funny comic not just a funny Latino comic. I want to be able to go everywhere and anywhere.” – Gabriel Iglesias
62. “I’ll walk up to a woman, I’ll say the first thing that comes to mind: ‘Hey, you hungry?’” – Gabriel Iglesias
63. “I try not to get political, I don’t want to get religious, I don’t want to get controversial, I just want to have a show that relates to everybody.” – Gabriel Iglesias
64. “I know what it’s like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.” – Gabriel Iglesias
65. “I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.” – Gabriel Iglesias
66. “I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.” – Gabriel Iglesias
67. “When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.” – Gabriel Iglesias
68. “I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes – when you work clean, you can work anywhere.” – Gabriel Iglesias
69. “I think the furthest I ever got was Guitar Hero. If I could start a band like that, I think I could do it.” – Gabriel Iglesias
70. “When you’re a comedian, the Holy Grail is an hour long HBO special.” – Gabriel Iglesias
71. “By putting myself out there the way I’ve been doing people see me as a real person. Even though I do character voices and funny noises the stories are still real and I put them all out there.” – Gabriel Iglesias
72. “I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. What’s the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.” – Gabriel Iglesias
73. “And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.” – Gabriel Iglesias
74. “With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?” – Gabriel Iglesias
75. “You can’t be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.” – Gabriel Iglesias
76. “I started riding the whole ‘fluffy’ train, and it’s a cute word and socially a lot more acceptable than someone saying is fat or obese. If you call a girl ‘fat,’ yo, she’ll raise hell, but if you say, ‘Aw girl, look at you, you’re fluffy,’ there’s almost a sexy appeal to it.” – Gabriel Iglesias
77. “That was the challenge. How can you tell the story here and make sure it goes the same way on the other side of the world?” – Gabriel Iglesias
78. “You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that’s all I’ve ever done.” – Gabriel Iglesias
79. “For about three years I was performing at one bar in East Los Angeles that was like a mean dive bar. You’re in there performing for drunks or bikers, not the most flattering people. I think it helped build my confidence, because you have to get their attention, then make them laugh.” – Gabriel Iglesias