1. “I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don’t need a strong political background in.” – George Lopez
2. “Angie, I’ve seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!” – George Lopez
3. “No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy.” – George Lopez
4. “If you want a show to succeed, you’re going to have to have a certain amount of people watch who are non-black and non-Latino. If you can’t cross over, you don’t belong on TV. That’s not just me saying it. That’s just the way it is.” – George Lopez
5. “We need to get better at voting and be a voice for the people who do not have one.” – George Lopez
6. “I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don’t know how to put it into words. When I’m on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.” – George Lopez
7. “If you read social media, you can see how immigration is such a hot-button debate and [a hotbed] of ignorance. You know there’s guys that say immigrants come here, and they create so much crime and they take jobs. There’s multiple sides to every story.” – George Lopez
8. “If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.” – George Lopez
9. “So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother’s house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.” – George Lopez
10. “I didn’t come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.” – George Lopez
11. “I can never do nothing in this house!” – George Lopez
12. “I didn’t want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.” – George Lopez
13. “It’s an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.” – George Lopez
14. “80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!” – George Lopez
15. “If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.” – George Lopez
16. “if you make waffles, throw out the first one.” – George Lopez
17. “One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.” – George Lopez
18. “Sometimes when you win, you think you’re going to get everything to go your way.” – George Lopez
19. “When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show” – George Lopez
20. “We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!” – George Lopez
21. “When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ‘You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!’” – George Lopez
22. “I grew up not having a father. Golf is the father I never had. It taught me honesty and respect and discipline and it taught me to control my temperament.” – George Lopez
23. “When things are bad, it’s the best time to reinvent yourself.” – George Lopez
24. “From now on, we’re home schooling you. Whatever we don’t know, you don’t know. When did the Korean War start? I don’t know, and neither do you!” – George Lopez
25. “I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I’m never lonely.” – George Lopez
26. “I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn’t do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.” – George Lopez
27. “I never realized I could love people as much as I do now.” – George Lopez
28. “You know, you walk through this hotel, you’re not going to see all white people; you’re not going to see all black people; you’re going to see what the world looks like. I promised myself that if I ever got an opportunity where I would be able to make a difference and have a say, that I would want to deliver [that] message [of inclusivity].” – George Lopez
29. “It’s good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don’t know, honey, how about something menthol?’” – George Lopez
30. “I’ve spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.” – George Lopez
31. “I’d shake his hand, but I think that’s what’s holding up his pants.” – George Lopez
32. “You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel… oh, nevermind.” – George Lopez
33. “It’s good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don’t know, honey, how about something menthol?’” – George Lopez
34. “My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn’t get it. Over time, I’ve sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn’t have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.” – George Lopez
35. “Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.” – George Lopez
36. “I used to be ashamed by the way that I grew up. I tried to lie my way through better times, but when you think that honesty and truth is really your best weapon you embrace it and put it behind you. In the end, it drives you and motivates you to do good work. No one should be ashamed about where they come from as long as you desire to be a compassionate and decent person.” – George Lopez
37. “I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.” – George Lopez
38. “When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.” – George Lopez
39. “Life is moments going by, but if you don’t grab them, they’re gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.” – George Lopez
40. “Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.” – George Lopez
41. “I got a pain in my chest, and I can’t breathe.” – George Lopez
42. “I’ve spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.” – George Lopez
43. “I didn’t want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.” – George Lopez
44. “Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.” – George Lopez
45. “Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You’member.” – George Lopez
46. “The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there.” – George Lopez
47. “Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I’m a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.” – George Lopez
48. “Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!” – George Lopez
49. “Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.” – George Lopez