1. “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Groucho Marx
2. “Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.” – Groucho Marx
3. “Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.” – Groucho Marx
4. “Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” – Groucho Marx
5. “I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” – Groucho Marx
6. “While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.” – Groucho Marx
7. “You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.” – Groucho Marx
8. “I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.” – Groucho Marx
9. “I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.” – Groucho Marx
10. “All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.” – Groucho Marx
11. “You know you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.” – Groucho Marx
12. “If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.” – Groucho Marx
13. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx
14. “What have future generations ever done for us?” – Groucho Marx
15. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
16. “The only real laughter comes from despair.” – Groucho Marx
17. “Always examine the dice.” – Groucho Marx
18. “I have had a wonderful time but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
19. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” – Groucho Marx
20. “It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.” – Groucho Marx
21. “All geniuses die young.” – Groucho Marx
22. “I drink to make other people interesting.” – Groucho Marx
23. “Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.” – Groucho Marx
24. “And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!” – Groucho Marx
25. “I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.” – Groucho Marx
26. “You’re only as young as the woman you feel.” – Groucho Marx
27. “Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.” – Groucho Marx
28. “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.” – Groucho Marx
29. “Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.” – Groucho Marx
30. “Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.” – Groucho Marx
31. “Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
32. “I’d like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they’re working on now.” – Groucho Marx
33. “The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
34. “If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.” – Groucho Marx
35. “I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.” – Groucho Marx
36. “Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.” – Groucho Marx
37. “You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.” – Groucho Marx
38. “Remember, the grass is always greener where you don’t happen to be the neighbor.” – Groucho Marx
39. “Growing old is something you do if you’re lucky.” – Groucho Marx
40. “She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.” – Groucho Marx
41. “Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman.” – Groucho Marx
42. “From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx
43. “I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.” – Groucho Marx
44. “If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!” – Groucho Marx
45. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx
46. “It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.” – Groucho Marx
47. “With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.” – Groucho Marx
48. “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.” – Groucho Marx
49. “I do not want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
50. “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.” – Groucho Marx
51. “I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.” – Groucho Marx
52. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
53. “I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
54. “Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
55. “My mother loved children–she would have given anything if I had been one.” – Groucho Marx
56. “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.” – Groucho Marx
57. “My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.” – Groucho Marx
58. “Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!” – Groucho Marx
59. “Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.” – Groucho Marx
60. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.” – Groucho Marx
61. “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” – Groucho Marx
62. “A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says ‘wasn’t that fun?” – Groucho Marx
63. “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.” – Groucho Marx
64. “One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.” – Groucho Marx
65. “I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member” – Groucho Marx
66. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.” – Groucho Marx
67. “Whatever it is, I’m against it.” – Groucho Marx
68. “No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.” – Groucho Marx
69. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” – Groucho Marx
70. “I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.” – Groucho Marx
71. “With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now” – Groucho Marx
72. “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” – Groucho Marx
73. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
74. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx
75. “If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.” – Groucho Marx
76. “Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?” – Groucho Marx
77. “Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.” – Groucho Marx
78. “You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?” – Groucho Marx
79. “Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.” – Groucho Marx
80. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx
81. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
82. “Home is where you hang your head.” – Groucho Marx
83. “Only if the computers really love each other.” – Groucho Marx
84. “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.” – Groucho Marx
85. “If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.” – Groucho Marx
86. “Humor is reason gone mad.” – Groucho Marx
87. “Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.” – Groucho Marx
88. “Do you mind if I don’t smoke?” – Groucho Marx
89. “Who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?” – Groucho Marx
90. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
91. “I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.” – Groucho Marx
92. “I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” – Groucho Marx
93. “I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you.” – Groucho Marx
94. “A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.” – Groucho Marx
95. “It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.” – Groucho Marx
96. “If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.” – Groucho Marx
97. “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” – Groucho Marx
98. “The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.” – Groucho Marx
99. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
100. “The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You’ve Got It Made.” – Groucho Marx
101. “I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” – Groucho Marx
102. “Time wounds all heels.” – Groucho Marx
103. “I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.” – Groucho Marx
104. “Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” – Groucho Marx
105. “I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” – Groucho Marx
106. “I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.” – Groucho Marx
107. “People are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.” – Groucho Marx
108. “Blood’s not thicker than money.” – Groucho Marx
109. “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” – Groucho Marx
110. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx
111. “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
112. “Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.” – Groucho Marx
113. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
114. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
115. “Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.” – Groucho Marx
116. “I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” – Groucho Marx
117. “Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows–marriage does.” – Groucho Marx
118. “That’s bad luck: three on a midget.” – Groucho Marx
119. “I’ll teach you to kick me…’ You don’t need to teach me–I already know how!” – Groucho Marx
120. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
121. “One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!” – Groucho Marx
122. “Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
123. “Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” – Groucho Marx