1. “I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park.” – Larry the Cable Guy
2. “When I look at my audience, I can tell better who’s in the crowd and the kind of joke I shouldn’t do. It’s just complicated. I guess I sift through to make sure these jokes are a little different with not such a harsh edge to them. That’s pretty much how I handle the crowd.” – Larry the Cable Guy
3. “I’ve been fortunate, I’ve been blessed, and I attribute my success to all my fans. People want to do things with you when you have a big fan base, and I have a great fan base.” – Larry the Cable Guy
4. “I used to be a chick magnet. Now, I’m just a refrigerator magnet.” – Larry the Cable Guy
5. “I don’t do my show for critics. Early on I did, because I’m a nice guy and I like to be liked by everybody, and I thought, “Hey, I’m just making people laugh, what’s the big deal?” There have been all different types of comics that appeal to all different types of people. Why rail on me? But yeah, they really don’t like Southern acts.” – Larry the Cable Guy
6. “Sometimes you’ve gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.” – Larry the Cable Guy
7. “I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset ’cause he slept with his third cousin. And I’m like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin’ them!” – Larry the Cable Guy
8. “Some guy came up to me with his kids, ages probably 10 and 12, and said that the reason he likes me is because he sat through an hour and twenty-minute show, and I didn’t cuss one time. So it just really depends.” – Larry the Cable Guy
9. “I was scared into being good. But I’m sure I did regular kid stuff.” – Larry the Cable Guy
10. “I think everybody is entitled to say whatever they want. I’m not going to call for anybody to be fired. That’s not what America is all about.” – Larry the Cable Guy
11. “I enjoy hunting, but if I had my choice to go deer hunting or bass fishing, I’d take bass fishing any day of the week. I enjoy both of them, but yeah, I’m a very outdoorsy guy.” – Larry the Cable Guy
12. “I don’t know why people get so bent out of shape over stuff people say.” – Larry the Cable Guy
13. “I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park.” – Larry the Cable Guy
14. “When you’re married with kids, you just think differently.” – Larry the Cable Guy
15. “I disagree with a lot of things, but hey, what a person does is between them and their maker. I can disagree with somebody, and I can still be friends with them.” – Larry the Cable Guy
16. “I don’t hate anybody. My character is one thing, but me as an individual is completely different.” – Larry the Cable Guy
17. “You can’t fix stupid.” – Larry the Cable Guy
18. “I don’t think every joke has to be so dadgum cerebral. I mix it up really good, because that’s the kind of humor I like. I like the goofy one-liner type stuff.” – Larry the Cable Guy
19. “He who laughs last, thinks slowest.” – Larry the Cable Guy
20. “Living in a small town you couldn’t go anywhere on a Saturday where a store had the game on. If you were downtown you heard the game. If you were at the gas station you heard the game. I remember I would be mowing the lawn and I would stop for the Nebraska game. I would have it cranking outside.” – Larry the Cable Guy
21. “I don’t take myself too seriously. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy making people laugh.” – Larry the Cable Guy
22. “Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.” – Larry the Cable Guy
23. “I get so sick and tired of Wikipedia. People write their own crap on there.” – Larry the Cable Guy
24. “Remember, half the people you know are below average.” – Larry the Cable Guy
25. “I grew up on a pig farm in southeast Nebraska. When I started doing the Blue Collar Tour, I thought it was kind of funny because I faked my accent, so everybody thought I lived in an apartment somewhere. But I grew up on a pig farm.” – Larry the Cable Guy
26. “I’ve been down in Florida since 1979. When you’re born in Nebraska you really can’t explain it.” – Larry the Cable Guy
27. “What I do onstage, there’s maybe .0001 percent of the population that acts like that. I talk like that because it makes me laugh, and because I know a couple of people that talk like that. They’re really that Southern. And they do funny things. I love ’em; they’re awesome. They’re good people.” – Larry the Cable Guy
28. “I don’t judge people by their accent, or how they word things, or how grammatically correct their speech is. Some of the smartest men in the world couldn’t spell. I judge a person by their character.” – Larry the Cable Guy
29. “Its nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.” – Larry the Cable Guy
30. “I’ve been fortunate, I’ve been blessed, and I attribute my success to all my fans. People want to do things with you when you have a big fan base, and I have a great fan base.” – Larry the Cable Guy
31. “I’m always wearing a Nebraska hat. Most of the time I’m wearing something that’s got a Husker something on it. I make sure I have it on TV but I have it regularly.” – Larry the Cable Guy
32. “As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I’m married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.” – Larry the Cable Guy
33. “I’m defending free speech pretty much all over the place because you still have freedom of speech.” – Larry the Cable Guy
34. “I’m on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.” – Larry the Cable Guy
35. “I hate flying. I’m not a big fan of flying at all so everywhere I go I go by tour bus. If I have to fly I will but I’m not a big fan of it.” – Larry the Cable Guy
36. “I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo.” – Larry the Cable Guy
37. “I’m saying, come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?” – Larry the Cable Guy
38. “I have thick skin. I’m not a baby. Nothing really offends me. If there’s something I think might offend me, I don’t listen to it.” – Larry the Cable Guy
39. “When I was a kid down there it was always a dream to go to a Nebraska game but when you live in those small towns you hardly ever get up to one.” – Larry the Cable Guy
40. “I’ve always thought if you don’t like what somebody says, don’t hang out with that person. Why do you have to complain about it? Here’s the thing. I don’t hang out with, and I’m not friends with anybody that would offend me or I think offends me or lives a different way than I do.” – Larry the Cable Guy
41. “People always ask my mom what I did as a kid. My mom says, “He wasn’t a bad kid. He was never an unruly kid, always listened and obeyed.”” – Larry the Cable Guy
42. “If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off” – Larry the Cable Guy
43. “I’m on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.” – Larry the Cable Guy
44. “When you’re doing comedy, it is so subjective. What is funny to you is not funny to another person. What is dirty to you is not dirty to the other person. Comedy is one of those things you throw against the wall and see what sticks.” – Larry the Cable Guy
45. “I know I don’t want to take the Lord’s name in vain, and I don’t want to drop any F-bombs.” – Larry the Cable Guy
46. “I can have different opinions with anybody. I can still be a friend with that person.” – Larry the Cable Guy
47. “Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.” – Larry the Cable Guy
48. “There’s nothing better than a Nebraska summer so I wanted to live there in the summer time and visit my family and go to as many Nebraska games as I could.” – Larry the Cable Guy
49. “I don’t hate anybody. My character is one thing, but me as an individual is completely different.” – Larry the Cable Guy