1. “I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.” – Mitch Hedberg
2. “I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.” – Mitch Hedberg
3. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
4. “A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.” – Mitch Hedberg
5. “I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.” – Mitch Hedberg
6. “If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, “Hey – maybe a killer is after you!”” – Mitch Hedberg
7. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” – Mitch Hedberg
8. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” – Mitch Hedberg
9. “I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.” – Mitch Hedberg
10. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg
11. “If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.” – Mitch Hedberg
12. “I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.” – Mitch Hedberg
13. “Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.” – Mitch Hedberg
14. “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’” – Mitch Hedberg
15. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’” – Mitch Hedberg
16. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for ME.” – Mitch Hedberg
17. “Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.” – Mitch Hedberg
18. “I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.” – Mitch Hedberg
19. “I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said “You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again!”” – Mitch Hedberg
20. “I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.” – Mitch Hedberg
21. “A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.” – Mitch Hedberg
22. “I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.” – Mitch Hedberg
23. “Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.” – Mitch Hedberg
24. “I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
25. “I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house.” – Mitch Hedberg
26. “I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.” – Mitch Hedberg
27. “The customer’s always right.” – Mitch Hedberg
28. “I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!”” – Mitch Hedberg
29. “No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.” – Mitch Hedberg
30. “I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”” – Mitch Hedberg
31. “When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.” – Mitch Hedberg
32. “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…” – Mitch Hedberg
33. “I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.” – Mitch Hedberg
34. “I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”” – Mitch Hedberg
35. “If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!”” – Mitch Hedberg
36. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.” – Mitch Hedberg
37. “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.” – Mitch Hedberg
38. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” – Mitch Hedberg
39. “A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.” – Mitch Hedberg
40. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” – Mitch Hedberg
41. “I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.” – Mitch Hedberg
42. “I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.”” – Mitch Hedberg
43. “You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.” – Mitch Hedberg
44. “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.” – Mitch Hedberg
45. “I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, “I’m mailing those cookies to my friend.” So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable.” – Mitch Hedberg
46. “People who smoke cigarettes, they say “You don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing.” – Mitch Hedberg
47. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg
48. “My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.” – Mitch Hedberg
49. “Dogs are forever in the push up postion.” – Mitch Hedberg
50. “They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.” – Mitch Hedberg
51. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” – Mitch Hedberg
52. “I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.” – Mitch Hedberg
53. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.” – Mitch Hedberg
54. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” – Mitch Hedberg
55. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg
56. “I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.” – Mitch Hedberg
57. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.” – Mitch Hedberg
58. “If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.” – Mitch Hedberg
59. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.” – Mitch Hedberg
60. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress. She just never gets called to the set.” – Mitch Hedberg
61. “I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.” – Mitch Hedberg
62. “People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” – Mitch Hedberg
63. “People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.” – Mitch Hedberg
64. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.” – Mitch Hedberg
65. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
66. “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.” – Mitch Hedberg
67. “I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.” – Mitch Hedberg
68. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” – Mitch Hedberg
69. “If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.” – Mitch Hedberg
70. “A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.” – Mitch Hedberg
71. “I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Screw that, I’ll just make a copy!”” – Mitch Hedberg
72. “I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.” – Mitch Hedberg
73. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.” – Mitch Hedberg
74. “You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.” – Mitch Hedberg
75. “A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.” – Mitch Hedberg
76. “If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.” – Mitch Hedberg
77. “I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.” – Mitch Hedberg
78. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.” – Mitch Hedberg
79. “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg
80. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”. – Mitch Hedberg
81. “I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.” – Mitch Hedberg
82. “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.” – Mitch Hedberg
83. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” – Mitch Hedberg
84. “Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.” – Mitch Hedberg
85. “My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.” – Mitch Hedberg
86. “I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.” – Mitch Hedberg
87. “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.” – Mitch Hedberg
88. “I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.” – Mitch Hedberg
89. “I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.” – Mitch Hedberg
90. “Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.” – Mitch Hedberg
91. “It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?” – Mitch Hedberg
92. “I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.” – Mitch Hedberg
93. “I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.” – Mitch Hedberg
94. “I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.” – Mitch Hedberg
95. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” – Mitch Hedberg
96. “I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.” – Mitch Hedberg
97. “I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.” – Mitch Hedberg
98. “A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” – Mitch Hedberg
99. “I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’” – Mitch Hedberg
100. “There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!”” – Mitch Hedberg